Should I Care What Others Think of Me?
Written by Joe Keller | Executive Pastor
To a certain extent, everyone cares about what others think of them. Even if you say you don’t care — you care. In fact, there is a special category for those who completely don’t care about others. They're called sociopaths. I hope you are not one of them. The Bible reveals that we have been designed by God as relational beings that do not flourish well in isolation (Gen. 1:26-27; Eccl. 4:9-12; Eph. 2:14-21). The community we enjoy as the people of God is not an afterthought in the unfolding plan of redemption (Rom. 12:3-8; I Cor. 12:12-31; Heb. 10:24-25;). People are used to bringing help and insight into how we see ourselves. We are created to journey together in the pursuit of holiness (Prov. 12:15; Heb. 3:12-13; I Thess. 5:14).
“Learning from what others think of us helps us to see ourselves holistically.”
Just as we need a mirror to see the backside of our head, so also we need an outside perspective to give us a complete picture of ourselves that we can’t see on our own. Gaining perspective and feedback from the thoughts of others is a valuable part of our growth (Proverbs 11:14, 18:2, 19:20). However, not all perspectives are created equal. The issue is not whether I should care about what others think of me but how I care about how others think of me. The following are some practical categories about how to care about what others think about us.
Care about context.
When considering what someone thinks about you and your actions, it is important to care about where the information is coming from. There is a difference between a supervisor at work communicating what he/she thinks about your job performance and the comment section of a social media post. All comments should be prioritized according to the context in which you hear them. Is the context casual or formal? Is the context direct or indirect? Is the context public or private? Is the person informed or disconnected from you? These questions provide information on how much you should care about what is being said about you. The more direct and personal comments warrant a higher level of care.
Care about content.
When considering what someone thinks of you and your actions, you should care about what is being said. In fact, there is wisdom in giving attention if the information you are receiving is being said in the first place. Once you receive it, you should care about what exactly is being said and discern if it is true. This means being honest with yourself and those around you. Even if the context should not be prioritized and is not completely informed, you should determine if the content is an accurate reflection of what is true in your heart. This allows us to benefit from a truthful insight outside of our own perspective.
Care about communication.
When considering what someone thinks of you and your actions, you should care about what is being communicated and how that relates to the gospel witness of your life. The miscommunication of your actions that leads to thoughts about you that are antithetical to a life testimony as a Christ follower should be of concern to you. This includes thoughts of you that are clearly addressed in the Scriptures. The qualifications of elders, the fruits of the Spirit, and the expressions relating to the roles in the family are all areas of concern regarding what others think of your actions. This moves beyond our thinking about an area of discernment or wisdom and moves to an area that is a direct contradiction to the testimony of the Scriptures. You should care and listen carefully when this is the case.
Care about community.
When considering what someone thinks of you and your actions, you should care if the community you belong to shares that same perspective. It can be disorientating to gain feedback about yourself that is hard to hear or something you haven’t heard before. It helps to have people in your life who can help give you an honest assessment of the feedback you are receiving. It seems counterintuitive to ask others what they think about what someone else thinks, but it can be very helpful. The thoughts of one may not be the thoughts of the whole. Those around you can help give a holistic perspective, help you process from a biblical worldview the feedback or perspective of another, and guide you in how you should think about it. This is not a call to rally or to lobby for a particular interpretation, but to allow those around you to honestly help you process.
Care but do not be controlled.
When considering what someone thinks of you, care, but do not be controlled by those thoughts.
“The controlling actions of your life should be directed by loving obedience to Jesus Christ.”
He alone is the one to whom you are accountable and to whom you serve. There will certainly be cares about what others think of you, but those cares should be reframed through the priority of the authority of God and his Word. Considering what others think of you should always be prioritized according to the context, content, and communication. Most importantly, you should care about all of God’s thoughts of you and the actions that bring glory to God in response.
The answer to the question, “Should I care what people think of me?” is not to stop caring about what other people think. That would be impossible. The answer to the question is to reframe it as, “How do I care about what other people think of me?” It takes some intentional effort and practice, but over time you will be able to truly benefit from what other people think about you. It will be useful in promoting your mutual care toward following Jesus, no matter what people think.