Removing Yourself From Conflict Without Running Away From It
Written by Joe Keller | Executive Pastor
There are many truisms in life that have been handed down from one generation to another. To name a few: “Don’t run with scissors,” “Back up your hard drive,” and my favorite, “It takes two to tango.” In life, interpersonal conflict happens when two people at odds with one another are combative and seek only to fulfill their unmet ruling desires (James 4:1-5). This dance can go on for decades. However, it can be hard to have an ongoing conflict if one or both remove themselves from the dance of toxic conflict—not through fleeing the circumstances but by engaging differently in the transforming work of the gospel (1 Cor. 5:14-15; Rom. 6:10-11; 5:1-5; 8:28-30).
Have you ever tried to fight with someone who is responding biblically with kindness? It’s tough. The next time you find yourself in conflict, consider the following pathway. It begins with removing yourself from the equation by applying these biblical principles:
Consider Your Heart (Prov. 4:23; Heb. 4:12; James 1:13-15)
When conflict strikes, the tendency is to consider the circumstances by first focusing on what has happened to you. It is interesting to observe that different people and personalities respond differently to the same set of circumstances. The fire of interpersonal conflict starts from within, not outside of us. To help address the issue, we first must ask, “Why did this circumstance bother me so much?” In many cases, this requires some help. For example, asking God for help to see your desires accurately. It could also involve asking a friend to give perspective and insight on how you are interpreting the situation. Journaling, along with Scripture meditation, is a helpful tool to engage with what is in one’s heart. It brings words and descriptions to what is in the heart. Looking at words on paper can bring perspective and help you see yourself accurately.
Clarify Your Responsibility (Rom. 12:1-3; Phil. 4:8; Ps. 139:23-24)
When it comes to conflict, most people take the “car accident approach” to dealing with their problems. This means they quickly assess the percentage of the conflict the other person is responsible for to determine the effort required to make things better. In other words, if I’m only 1% at fault, then they should be doing 99% of the work to make things better. Taking yourself out of the equation in conflict means starting with your responsibility first. In fact, even if you are 1% at fault, you are still 100% responsible for those actions before God and others. Take the time to clarify in your heart what actions and attitudes sinfully contributed to the conflict. As you reflect, there may be expressions that are not visible to others but become very clear to you. This work would seek to identify clear areas of responsibility in contrast to areas of concern or perceived liability. Clarifying your responsibility sets a context for active and productive efforts to address conflict. It is not dependent upon the response or efforts of the other, but it does decrease the compounding effects of finger-pointing.
Confess Your Sin (1 John 1:9; Ps. 32:5; James 5:16)
The work being done in your own heart and the clarification of responsibility when addressing conflict is meaningful and important. It creates an honest context to deal with the root cause and the related effects of sin. Although there are contributing influences that can bring pressures and hardships, the pathway for addressing conflict that promotes human flourishing is through the gospel. In conflict, it is easy to become prideful and selfishly protective because it seems as though the one who shows weakness or vulnerability can be taken advantage of or abused, but the opposite is true. The gospel brings help and hope to those who are in conflict. You can be truthful about areas of heart struggle and sinful actions because there is a pathway for redemption and flourishing. Confessing your sin in a conflict before God is an act of worship that exalts His work of redemption. To confess your sin to others proclaims the work of the gospel through a transformed heart. This is not done to manipulate others into doing the same—it simply provides a pathway for you to address your contribution to the conflict and model the hope that redemption brings to present circumstances.
Commit to Love (Phil. 1:9-11; Rom. 12:9-16; Col. 3:12-14)
Conflict will come again, and it takes proactive care and discernment to anticipate what those situations may look like. Is there a particular time of day that conflict strikes? Is there a specific personality that is difficult for you to interact with? Are there themes to the sort of conflicts you are involved in? These types of questions help anticipate times when you would find yourself in conflict again. When conflict does arise, there is a clear crossroads to consider. Will you respond in the same manner as last time, or choose a different and better path? The work that has already been done to understand and address your heart, responsibility, and sin now gives you the opportunity to respond in love when these temptations strike. It is love that combats the effects of sin through conflict. To actively face conflict with sacrificial love adds a new dynamic to the circumstance. Instead of dealing with the compounding effects of sin and consequences in conflict, the cycle can be broken through specific and applied acts of love. Committing to love does not eliminate the hardships of conflict. In fact, the effort might be even more demanding, but the results have the capacity to put the gospel on display, as well as put peace in your heart. Sacrificial love that reflects the love of Christ seeks to give, not receive. This commitment to love breaks the cycle of demanding retribution in conflict.
Through the transforming work of the gospel, we have the capacity and calling to engage in conflict differently. As you apply these principles to remove yourself from the equation, there is an opportunity for reconciliation undistracted from ongoing relational battles fueled by ourselves.
Questions for Reflection
How could removing yourself from a conflict help in addressing the presenting issues of that conflict?
Has someone modeled these biblical principles in your life? How has their response to conflict helped you to address issues in your life related to conflict?
Originally posted to The Biblical Counseling Coalition on September 1, 2023.