Navigating Difficult Conversations in Marriage
Written by Joe Keller | Executive Pastor
Marriage communication is a funny thing. The relationship is more exclusive than any other relationship in your life but is bound by the same biblical principles of communication that apply to all (Eph. 4:25-32 informs Eph. 5:22-33). The familiarity and intimacy of marriage are most on display when navigating difficult conversations. You can have the skills to navigate difficult conversations in the workplace, school, or neighborhood with diverse people and personalities to help still waters. A level of familiarity and intimacy in marriage requires additional navigational buoys that can help avoid making a shipwreck of your desires for meaningful communication through complex topics. Here are a few practical insights to be aware of that could help navigate difficult conversations in marriage effectively.
Control
There are times in marriage (when having a difficult conversation) that we lose sight of what is the goal of the conversation in the first place. Do you know what I’m talking about? Sometimes, a conversation is difficult not because of a particular dispute, but the conversation is really about who is in control. Who is giving direction? Who is right? Who is in charge? This struggle for control confuses or intensifies difficult conversations as one or both spouses have level a of engagement that does not match the content of the presenting issue. One way to help engage well in marital conflict is not to use disputes as a platform to leverage or gain control. We are called to submit to one another in Christ mutually, and this pursuit to seek to engage in the issue at hand and not to grab the wheel of control helps navigate what is already a difficult conversation.
Candor
Marriage is a place where your words have great influence and impact. You know one another and live together. You have good and bad days together, which can sometimes be used to leverage harmful words to make a point. If you want to engage in difficult conversations in a biblical manner, you have to consider your words and how you use them. Consider your tone, volume, vocabulary, pace, and how your communication will be received. The goal is not just to speak but to speak in an understood way. This means we must consider a level of candor that can share truth in a manner that is received and understood. While navigating difficult conversations, it is easy to lose sight of the goal of understanding and addressing issues of disputes when one or both spouses are inconsiderate of their candor. Sarcasm, overstating, interrupting, and harsh words are ways of communication that make it more difficult to address areas of concern because it is so hard to hear what is being said through the veil of underhanded words.
Clarity
Speaking precisely about the challenges and obstacles that make for difficult conversations is an important step in engaging with the reality of any particular issue. This takes intentionality. Understanding what you believe about the facts relating to any difficult conversation is essential. Many interpersonal disputes are ongoing and intense because there is no clarity on the fact of the issue at hand. This includes clarity on our presuppositional cares and understandings that bring to bear a particular perspective. All this to say, in the turbulent waves of navigating difficult conversations with your spouse, one helpful work is to be clear on the issue at hand. This brings focus to the details of the conflict and the goals and intended outcomes of any discussion. As we remain clear, the best pathway to reframing and interpreting our circumstances is with the clarity of God’s word.
Context
Context is everything. Even with the most thoughtful navigation through difficult marital conversations, marital conflict can be disrupted in a context that doesn’t match the moment. When addressing a complex subject with your spouse, consider the context in which you speak with one another. The time of day, disposition, and space should all be considered. Naming these can be a helpful start. Identifying when to converse with each other can be effective when engaging with the topic at hand. Above all, consider the context of your own heart. Am I ready to engage in this difficult conversation with a biblical perspective and hope? I’m not saying that the perfect context will yield the ideal results, but it will help remove distractions that can negatively influence any conversation, especially the tough ones.
Continuity
There is beauty in every stage of the marital life—even the difficult ones. One of the ways to help engage in difficult conversations that help build relational intimacy and trust is not to engage in a manner that is fundamentally different than other areas of life. Embracing that there are highs and lows together and that the Lord can use them all in different yet unifying ways is one of the blessings of marriage. Seek to engage in every area of life with your spouse, not just when things need attention. In every area of life, equity can be built in a marriage that will be drawn upon under challenging seasons. Biblical principles that direct our love, confidence, sacrifice, deferring, and hope alongside our spouse are essential elements that help us engage when difficult conversations are needed. The goal is to help establish that having difficult conversations is not outside the rhythms of your marriage but rather one expression or context for you to engage with biblical hope as you do in every area of life. This helps to establish that in every season, the commitment to walking worthy is present, and it helps to move through a difficult season knowing that there are other seasons ahead.
Every couple is different and could use a helpful tip to improve their ability to relate to one another as God has promised and equipped your marriage. There is an abiding hope that the ongoing work of the gospel in accordance with the Word helps bring confidence and perseverance through any season in marriage (Phil. 1:6, II Tim. 3:16, I Cor. 15:58). Reflecting on improving your engagement with difficult conversations could seem daunting. Consider one aspect or insight that could address a common pitfall and talk about how that might be applied to how you engage in difficult conversations before it becomes one.
Question
Counseling and care are not designed to be done in isolation. Who in your circle of trusted relationships in the local church context could you invite to help you both consider these insights together?